Are You There God? It's Me, Lex
by Kari Anna
Summary: Sequel to 'Logic of the Pete.' Lex gets roped into chaperoning his teenaged friends, and he's traumatized. COMPLETE


This idea has been plaguing me for over a week, so I'm going to get it out of my head. BTW, this _is_ the sequel to _Logic of the Pete_, but you don't have to read that to understand this.

DISCLAIMER: I don't even own Lex yet. YET, people :)

**Are You There, God? It's Me, Lex**

_Why, oh why, oh why? Why do these things always happen to me?_ Lex thought, dejected and bone-tired. He lowered himself onto an armchair as slowly as if he were seventy-three rather than twenty-three. He was guessing that keeping an eye on four sugar-high, well-caffeinated teenagers in downtown Metropolis did that to a person. Especially when two of said teenagers were girls to whom he had given temporary free reign with his credit cards.

All four had been given total liberty with his credit cards, actually. It was just harder to keep up with Chloe and Lana than it was with Pete and Clark. Of course, that could be because the boys kept stopping to make out every time they got the chance. That had shocked Lana, to whom they had not come out beforehand, but she took it well. At least, she did once she had finished screaming at Clark that you do _not _lead people on if they have no chance with you, and smacked the back of his head really hard.

Lex sighed and wondered if he had the energy to get up and drive for a much-needed massage. _Nope, definitely not,_ he decided. _As fit as I am, it still wasn't a good idea to get up at FIVE IN THE FREAKING MORNING to take a bunch of teenagers shopping in Metropolis. Especially without help. Maybe I should have taken Martha up on that offer to come with us._

His mind wandered back to the previous afternoon.

* * *

_Jonathan grumbled as Martha got their son ready to go. The kids were doing an extra credit project for school, but to do it they had to go see a play that was opening in Metropolis on Sunday afternoon. To avoid the extra expenseof staying in a hotel, they were going to stay in Lex's apartment there. Said billionaire had been roped into the role of chaperone by one Martha Kent, since both she and Lex knew the dangers and temptationsof the city. Martha would have gone, but she was busy enough as it was._

_Clark was excited as all get-out, grinning like a nut. Lex suspected the teen would have been bouncing, too, if he wasn't so self-concious. The youngest Kent was all packed, and his mother was warning him about Metropolis one more time. Having heard the speech three times already, Lex had tuned her out. She stopped mid-rant, and thebrief pausedrew the young billionaire back to reality. When she spoke again, Martha asked, "Now, I know you can handleyourself, and you can take care of the kids. But are you sure you don't want me to come along? It might make it easier on you."_

_With a friendly smile, Lex replied, "No thanks, Mrs. Kent. We'll be fine."_

* * *

Lex groaned and would have banged his head on the wall if he'd had the strength to get out of his armchair. _Stupid stupid stupid! How could I have thought..._ He didn't even have the strength to finish his thought. All he could do was let his mind wander, because he sure as hell wasn't going to get any sleep that night. He was too tired to sleep. _Lordy._ He glanced at the wallclock. It was nearly one in the morning. 

No wonder Lex was still tired. They hadn't returned from their oh-so-pleasant little outing until almost midnight, because when most of the stores were closed the teeny-boppers had insisted on sight-seeing. _Thanks to Chloe,_ Lex thought irritably. He'd have to repay her for telling the other three about all the 'cool stuff you can see and do _after_ the stores are closed!' Lex growled just thinking about the spunky aspiring reporter.

* * *

_Lana sighed. "Well, looks like most of the shops are closed now."_

_Lex echoed her sigh, thanking whatever deity looked out for rich bald kids. "Guess we'd better head back to the apartment then."_

_But noooo. Chloe just had to do that little jerking motion she always does when she gets an idea. "Wait. We don't have to call it a day yet. There's plenty of cool stuff you can see and do _after_ the stores are closed!"_

They're going to kill me. I'm going to drop dead of exhaustion,_ Lex thought. Clark grinned and exclaimed, "Yeah, I wanna go to the theme park! Did you know it's the third biggest in America? Right after DisneyLand and DisneyWorld!"_

_Chloe smiled wryly at him and asked, "Didn't you go there during your infamous summer stay here?"_

_"Nope! Race ya there!"_

_The other teens smiled and all four took off running, leaving Lex to stare at them in horror. _If this is some kind of cosmic joke, I'm not laughing._ He heaved a burdened sigh and did his best to catch up with the teens._

_After they had run around the theme park a while, Pete declared a state of boredom and suggested moving on. So that led them to Metropolis's Museum of Natural History. After that was the paintball competition, and then an informal race to see who would get to the nearby cafe first. Then Lana had wanted to see a fashion show being held half a dozen blocks away. Lex had cursed out loud when it turned out to be an outdoor fashion show and there weren't any chairs._

* * *

From there it had taken almost an hour of walking to get back to the apartment, and when they did get there Lex flopped into his armchair. He had hardly moved since then. The teens had seemed concerned at first, with the exception of Pete of course, but then they had started watching _Star Trek_ reruns and everything was kosher. They forgot about Lex and settled in to watch the marathon that was running.

* * *

Lex's bloodshot slate-gray eyes stared at the wall in front of him. His muscles seemed frozen in place, and had the science geek in him not objected he would have whole-heartedly believed he had become a statue. As it was, he carried on an internal debate about it. 

The sound of a bedroom door creaking open snapped him out of his trance, and he slowly moved his head to see who caused it. _Clark._ Lex sighed. He would talk to the boy, but couldn't seem to loosen his jaw enough to open his mouth. The teen smiled sheepishly and said, "We're all up now. We were wondering if the five of us could go run around until it's time to get ready for the play."

Lex stared at Clark.

After several seconds of staring, Clark shifted in uneasiness. "Um, Lex. Are you... okay?"

Lex stared at Clark.

The teen's brow furrowed in some mix of hurt, confusion and concern. "Lex?"

Lex stared at Clark.

Finally, just when Clark was getting really freaked out, Lex managed to work up the energy to speak. "Run. Around. You. Have. The energy. To run around. After whatever the hell last night was?"

Clark looked out-and-out worried for a few seconds, but apparently his little Clarkie brain decided it wasn't anything to worry about after all. "Well, yeah. C'mon. You're gonna love what we've got planned."

Lex's eyes went wide, but he gave in as his young friend dragged him out the door, with plenty of help from the other three teens. _Thanks a lot, God. Is your name Lionel Luthor? _

* * *

A haggard young bald man pulled up to the Kent family farm with his last passenger. Jonathan and Martha almost didn't recognize the person walking along next to their son. Not that Jonathan was worried about that-- he was already yelling at Lex. 

"And your father stopped by yesterday, wha-"

Jonathan was cut off as the fatigued young man looked up with his bloodshot eyes. The farmer felt his own eyes begin to water in empathy. "Do you _know_ what I went through? NEVER." Lexthrew his head backand screamed, "NEVER." Then went back to his quieter tone. "Again."

He turned on his heel and stalked to his car, then his vehicle peeled out the drive so fast Jonathan wondered if the Smallville's resident billionaire was afraid the teens he'd chaperoned would chase him down and subject him to more torture. Jonathan grinned. Maybe one of the Luthors was human after all.

* * *

_Step One: Avoid the subject of chaperones for future school or extra-curricular activities involving more than two teenagers at a time._

_Step Two: If one of them tries to ensnare me in the trap of agreeing to suicide by exhaustion again-- or seems to be about to, run. And especially don't look them in the eyes. They always use that sad puppy look._

_Step Three: If they do manage to rope me into chaperoning,drag someone else fairly responsible along._

_Step Four: NO caffeine! EVER! For those under the age of twenty. Aslong as I'm chaperoning them, anyway._

_Step Five: Take a freaking vehicle. Exercise is no excuse._

Lex stepped back to look over his handywork. He had had a nice big poster printed up with all this on it, and had just finished tacking it up on the wall opposite his desk in the study.

The background was two pictures, one superimposed over the other so that both were nice and faded, blending to create an interesting scene. One of the pictures was shot of Belle Reeve from the outside, the other of the cemetary in Metropolis. The near side of that picture showed the plot picked out for him, and the black obilisk that had become his headstone there back when he had been thought dead the previous summer. That picture ebbed off into a view of other graves, seemingly smaller off in the distance.

Both pictures were appropriate. They showed him his two options of places to go if he should decide not to take the advice printed in stern black letters. He smiled. This would keep him from doing something that stupid again.

Just then Clark barged in, his infamous way-too-charming Kent grin on his face. "Hey Lex!"

"Hi Clark," Lex replied with a smile. The boy settled in the chair across from Lex. "What brings you here today?"

The teen grinned somewhat sheepishly. "Well, there's this dance at school."

"Ahh, you want to take Pete, and you're afraid some of Smallville's more small-minded jocks will try to 'teach you the error of your ways' then?"

Now Clark _really_ looked sheepish. He scratched a nonexistant itch on the back of his neck. "Uh, well, no actually. I _am_ going to take Pete," he amended quickly, seeing Lex about to question him. "But the school is short on chaper--"

It all came back to him, the treacherous memories hitting him all at once. He clamped his hands over his ears to block out Clark's words, and shut his eyes tightly so as not to see the pleading look in his young friend's eyes. Four teenagers had been too many for him to handle without wearing himself out. How many would be at a highschool dance? "No, Clark. _Not_ happening. Look at the poster behind you."

Clark looked at the wall behind him, and indeed there was the poster. "Interesting poster, Lex."

A short lull.

"Pleeeeaaase, Lex. _Pretty_ please."

Lex shook his head violently, eyes still clenched shut. "No. Not ever. No matter how much you beg and plead, the answer on this one will always be _no_."

* * *

The next Friday night found Lex standing in a corner of Smallville High's gymnasium, almost pouting. _Ugh... how do I get myself into these messes?_ He was half tempted to strangle a certain wide-eyed farmboy, who by the way, was _very_ good at pouting and pleading and convincing. A screech and a loud whoop snapped him out of his self-pity, and he groaned as he saw what the commotion was about. The chaos had started. _Are you there God? It's me, Lex. I know I'm not the nicest guy, but please let me finish this night without permanent mental or bodily harm. Thanks Big Guy. _

He sighed and trudged off to pull a raving young woman off her frightened boyfriend.

_End._

* * *

If you found something wrong with this ficlet, let me know so I can improve my writing. Thanks! 


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